Thursday, May 04, 2006

iwantitoveriwantitover.. noidontnoidontnoidont.

I've been a bit twitchy the last few days. My head tilts, and I hear an audible snap in my neck. My fingers are jittering as I type this very blog entry.

It's my ex-girlfriend, y'see.

I know, I know. We've all got ex's, right? We've all got the baggage and the memories of former lovers and mates. We all have those moments where we think what "could've been" or "what was I thinking?" or "holy shit, I had sex with her?" or any of of that. But this one girl... fuck.

The Ex and I have known each other for almost four years. The two of us have accumulated some serious emotional baggage in that time, but more importantly we have chemistry. Big, big chemistry. Like one of those huge fucking chemistry sets you got for Christmas as a kid? We're like ten of them, at least. Maybe more.

From the very beginning of TheBastardAndEx story, it's always been the chemistry. And the laughs. And the knowing looks. And the way we think the same thing at the same time. And the way our friends roll their eyes around us.

In a different time and place, the two of us would be "Together Forever". And all that horseshit.

She comes up here every summer, and the sparks fly. You'd have to be blind not to see it. So, we tried dating, and hooking up, and seeing each other, and all the types of relationships you can imagine. But as time went on, I knew in my heart that it would never work. We want different things from life. Our priorities don't mesh well. There's also an age and maturity gap that won't ever close.

Last January, I finally shut the door on our relationship. I DearJohn'd her in an e-mail. Yeah, I know. It's a shitway to end things. Sue me. I didn't have a choice 'cause every other form of communication had failed me.

I'd pushed, I'd begged, I'd pleaded, I'd yelled, I'd screamed, I'd cried, I'd cried OUT, and I'd manipulated everyone around me... JUST to get her away from me, JUST to end this, this... thing between us.

And now it's starting again. We have to talk to each other, as part of the summer job that we work at. And in the last couple days, the conversation has turned to more personal matters. I slammed the walls down tonight and got off the phone as fast as I could. I very much want this over between us.

And I very much miss her in my life.

--

I had this crazy holyfuck thought while driving today: What if it never ends? What if she gets married to some guy and then we run into each other? What if something happens? What if it happens again? And again? And again? And and and...?

What if she becomes a desperate housewife and I become the 'other guy'? I almost pulled over, my stomach turning and twisting, eyeballs rolling into the back of my head. And do you want to know why? Why I felt like shit? It's unbelievable.

I felt like shit because it wouldn't bother me if I did become the other guy. I wouldn't care, not one goddamn bit. I wouldn't feel an ounce of remorse for her husband and family. Not because they're bad people, but because I'd have what I wanted: Her. Meanwhile, she could have her cake and eat it too; Have the good job, have the close family, whatever. But on the outside, phone number hidden on her cell, there's The Bastard. That's the life we could have, if we so chose.

I'm the guy she can't ever have, and she's the girl I will always let get away.

--

I am the ultimate control-freak, the ultimate Dom. But with The Ex, control sifts through my fingers like sand. I grab and reach, but come up short every time. No matter what I tell myself, I wake up in the morning with her naked Italian body next to me, every fucking time. My stomach churns, and my heart swells. And then... and then...

And then I eat her out until she explodes on my face.

As far as I'm concerned, my relationshipwhatever with The Ex will FINALLY be over, when I never have to see her again. When temptation no longer rears it's ugly head, when her spectacular breasts are no longer in sight, when her gorgeous laugh is nowhere to be heard, maybe then I'll find peace.

Maybe then it'll finally be over.

--

Up until today, I thought my attempts to find women who understood the concept of "non-exclusive, not serious" was just The Bastard trying something different.

I was wrong. I'm using other women as a wall, so The Ex doesn't get back in. I'm using other women, so when The Ex comes back this summer, I can sneak away for a couple hours and relieve any sexual tension that comes of my time with The Ex. I'm using other women, to get The Ex jealous. I'm using other women to get The Ex out of my head.

I'm using other women.

I really am a Bastard.
Posted by The Bastard :: 12:06 AM :: -------------------------------------